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I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM

February 21, 2016

DEAR D'ANNIE: 

 

i have been in love with my best friend since the day we met... i was six he was 8... from that day ...throughout our teenage years...we were close yet distant...his life went one way and mine went another direction as life does and it moved on...he and i kept in touch but kept our distance and he would seem to "pop up" at the oddest of times... but on time... i never spoke a word of my true feelings to anyone let alone tell anyone anything about him. Then...about three years ago... i was helping him out bc he had fell on hard times and i saw my friend losing himself in his situation... i tried to be there the best way i knew how... i gave him a place to rest his head n get himself back together....during this time...i thought it was safe to tell him my 20+ year secret... he was in shock at first... seemed happy second... then flipped on me..and it has been downhill ever since...he has done everything he could to show others he dont love me or want me ... but then after would apologize to me for hurting me...and as soon as i would accept the apology..he would run n do something else stupid..intentionally to hurt me... so i told him to leave me alone... he says mean hurtful things and im tired of being treated like dirt when i was the ONLY person who showed him kindness... he ran back to all the women who dogged him...but disrespcted me... so i blew him out on fb... now he hates me and i dont care..but my heart still loves him... i am trying to not love him and move on to others but i cant seem to feel anymore... besides... eventually even if it is a year from now.. i know he will pop up... i have told him SEVERAL THOUSAND TIMES I am not his fallback or his back up...im all or nothing... and i cant go back to being just friends bc my secret is out now...nothing will ever be the same... how do i fal out of love with this man... and why does it seem like no matter what i do.. he is going to pop up...whenever he wants.. bc he feels entitled to do so even tho i have been very blunt about this... he wont listen... im lost...How do u stop loving someone u have loved ur whole life.. mind u... im 37 now... ive loved him since i was 6

 

Dear In Love my whole life

 

As I read your letter I was looking for what was deserving of this guy to love other than he is a living breathing thing and we should love all those. I see why he should love you but not vice versa. Timing is everything. You mentioned that while he was going through a rough time you shared with him how you felt. It's hard for people to receive love when they are not in a good place. He might have felt like because you were helping him out you wanted to include yourself in his recovery process, which could have made him resent you. That being said no one has the right to treat you like crap and  more importantly you should not allow them to.

 

I want you to ask yourself: what is it about him that I love? What is it about him that is deserving of me? How many times does he have to hurt me for me to truly shut him out of my life? You said "i have told him SEVERAL THOUSAND TIMES I am not his fallback or his back up..." But you continue to be. 

 

Can you honestly say if he called you right now apologized, begged for your forgiveness and asked you to help him out, you would say no?. I think you would say yes and it's ok to be in that space what's not ok is to be in denial about it.

 

You sound like a person with a big heart and he sounds like a person with a small one. You've been there for him all your life and there seem to be very little appreciation or reciprocity he's shown for it. I imagine that is sometimes hard to understand or accept. Ultimately the way to get over loving him is to chose to love and protect yourself from him, the sooner you start the sooner he will stop having the opportunity you've given him.

 

I hope I was helpful

 

D'annie

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