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Dear Dannie

December 14, 2015

 

Dear Dannie

I have been married for 12 years and during that time we have had two kids. Just a couple of years ago wife and I split up as we had just moved to a new state. During the split I found and feel in love with someone else. But because my wife has a disability and can not work and could not afford to take care of the kids on her own I had no choice but to accept her back. I believe I married for the wrong reasons anyway from the beginning, married only nine months after we met maybe because I didn't want to be alone. But now that she is back I am not happy as all I can think about is the other person.

 

I can't do anything about it because of the kids and I don't want to be separated from them again. The other lady and I still talk as close friends and wife doesn't know. Wondering if I should tell wife, because the other lady and I really do care about each other and if we can't be together how we want we would like to still talk to each other. The other lady has a child now of her own with another ex. I am stuck.

 

Dear Stuck:

Good afternoon I will attempt to provide some perspective to the issues you presented. First your marriage of twelve years, during that time you gained a deep understanding of who your wife is as a person, who you are when you are with her and who you are as a couple. The foundation of that relationships should already answer the question” Do I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife”

 

You mentioned that you split up previously. I'm sure a lot of thought went into that decision; so the question is, other than the circumstances with the children, and her disability, your vows and your own moral compass are there any other reasons you are still married? Are those reason I just mentioned enough for you to remain in your marriage?

 

You mentioned that you did not have a choice, you did. You may not like the choice you made but you had a choice. It sounds like your moral compass would not allow you to chose the other choice which was not to take her back or take the kids and have her live with family while continuing the separation. We all make choices and it seems as if yours was one you felt like you had to make.

You mentioned that you might have gotten married for the wrong reasons because you didn’t want to be alone is that still a fear you have? and if so examine what role that could play in your current situation.

 

As for the other lady, it seems that you no doubt have a connection and you do have feelings for her, be careful that your feelings for her are not tied to the escapism of your situation with an idealistic view of what life could be with her as oppose to your current situation. 

Regardless of your decision here is what I think you should do: Ask yourself what makes me happy? how important is my happiness?. Am I willing to sacrifice if necessary what I am? i.e staying in my marriage Those are tough questions, but I believe they will take you closer to the answer. 

 

Hope I was helpful

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